I will make this blog about my Mom. In fact, I will let her write it because she is such an amazing woman in my life. She is studying English in USA and I cannot say how much I am proud of her right now! Her English has improved so much and her presentation actually brings tears to my eyes.
This is her final presentation of her last term. She chose to speak about her life in Vietnam during wartime. So here goes… a mini autobiography of a Vietnamese women during wartime:
Do you see my hair is becoming white? I think I ‘ve gone through life enough to tell you my story. Do you willing to hear?
I was born in North Vn in the wartime. The war was fought against the domination of French. My mother gave birth to me while my family was evacuating from the war zone. When I was 6 years old, the war ended with the Geneva treaty , but my country has been divided into 2 parts . The North belonged to the Communists and the South was a free country. More than one millions southerners fled to the South Vn including my family.
After a few years of peace, the Communists in the North lauched a new war against the South . That was an ideological war in order to put all the country under communism.
We were in war again. My family lived in SAIGON , the capital of the South Vn . At first , I hadn’t be influenced much by the war , then the war escalated gradually . I could hear the sounds of the shells ,of the jet fighters in the night. I could see the military vehicles went through the city and the signal flares brightened on the sky at night. I could feel the astmosphere of war around.
At this time , I continued my study in the University. During that time , I was falling in love with a medical student that I met at the library for more than 3 years, and we got married after my graduation.
My husband was a military doctor ,who was assigned to the 22 nd division in Central Vn and I rarely saw him. At the same time , his brother and my two brothers were mobilized into the army ,too.
From those time on ,I really felt the fierceness of war. I always lived in fear and anxiety with my newborn daughter. I didn’t want to be a widow , but human life was nothing in war. Who knew what would happen?
Luckily , 4 years later, my husband was transferred to the hospital in Hoi An city. It’s a small city on the coast in Central Vn.
I moved to Hoi An with my two kids and the 3rd was on the way.
In Hoi An I could hear the sounds of gunfire and shells everyday around the city.
At the end of March ,1975 ,the Viet cong soldiers invaded many cities of highland and of Central Vn. There was a huge avacuation of people and military from Central to South Vn . I saw the endless lines of vehicles and people had been packed on the main road to the South Vn . The crowed people tried to climb onto the ship from their small boats. It was the chaos I had never imagined before. My husband and I lost each other on the way to the South until we were in SAIGON . We lost all our property.
All terrible sights that we witnessed made us not dare to flee the country on the last day April 30 ,1975 . We regretted it later.
After the occupation of Communists , South vn was totally up side down. The society was in turmoil.I never forget the feeling of sadness , of fear ,of pain ,and of disappointment . All the military officers and the government high ranking officers including my husband were put in the “re-education camps” all over the country. We lost all our money after the first money change .There were no trading ,no market ,no store , no restaurant , everything were under the control of the government ,the so call ” people committee ” . They sold food to each family based on the number of person in the family. People didn’t know how to earn their living. How could I survive? Even if I still worked at the University of pharmacy. The small salary was not enough to feed my kids. I had no new from my husband. I was in the worst mental and physical situation. Thanks to our siblings abroad who sent me money to raise our kids
After nearly 3 years in prison ,my husband was released. Because the shortage of skilled professionals, the government released all doctors , pharmacists ,dentists ,teachers ,engineers to use them. My husband was assigned to the children ‘s hospital in Saigon . We lived in the difficult situation until the government applied the ” open door” policy . Life got a little better.
The more I lived under Communist regime ,the more I understood about Communists. I realized that the reality of Communism is not as good as its theory.
We worried about the political program of education which applied in schools. I dreamed that my children could live in freedom, could have a good education , could become the good people . And thanks to the helps of ours siblings , my dream came true. My children , one by one lelf the country , we were the last one.
Now , I stand here and I accept this land is my second homeland. I believe that people have their own destiny ,the life of a person goes up and down depending on the fate of his country , just like a feather that is blown by the wind.
… and that’s my Mom everyone! Thanks for reading 🙂
I have been reaching for emptiness, for a world that is not mine. My time is running out and I have not been able to achieve what I wanted to be. I have been wasting time on pointless goals and fooling marks. Now I have realised no matter how hard I try, the results have already been set.
I will give myself a time frame to think but I suddenly realise my mind have shifted and I am scared. Scared of this decision that I might make. A colleague at work told me:”You gotta sacrifice something man”. It’s true, maybe it’s time to sacrifice that thing so I can fully pursue what I always wanted. His words are like an ultra-sharp knife that cut right through my dream balloons. These balloons need to be broken so I can actually turn my dreams into reality one day.
One week from now on, I will have the answer for myself, and I will decide what I want to be. I give myself one week to think about it and make this big decision. Time is running out, I need to wake up and serve the right purpose of life.
One week and counting…
January’17 – Tsuitachi Ichigatsu kara, atarashii machi desu yo! (一日一月から、新しいまち ですよ！) – From 01/01, a new road!
Posted January 1, 2017on:
Today is 01/01/2017 the very first day of the year. I want to start this year all fresh and clean again.
I have set a few goals for this year and I will carry it out straightaway.
Firstly , I need to be more focus when I start doing something. I tend to get distracted easily lately which I still don’t know the reason. However, from now on, when I do something, I will give it 100% attention.
I wanted to be certified in Bodypump which I have trained in a year ago but keep holding it back and making excuses. For me, this program proves a lot more difficult than Bodyattack since there are a lot of coaching while teaching the class and the adrenaline rush is not as much as Bodyattack. There are a lot of reps and the music is also not as upbeat and catchy like Bodyattack. However, I have decided that I want to finished what I started and be qualified in this program early this year.
I will save up this year so that I can have a big saving by the end of the year. Be more responsible for my spending. I will limit my going out days with no going out midweek and once per weekend. I will not buy anything unless it is absolutely necessary and I will die without having it. I think this is a good strategies since I am very lucky to have everything I need at the moment.
My other goals would also be getting into a more advance levels of my languages I am studying, especially my Japanese. I do want to learn more Kanji characters and be able to read Japanese quicker and more fluent.
I will plan and dedicate more time to study for my exam in March and I will make sure I have a better score this time to get into what I want. For me, this is my main goal in life so I have decided I do not have time for any relationship. Even though I am still feel sad sometimes that I am now still alone while my friends all have their partner/boyfriend/husband/fiancé. Nevertheless, I do understand that I am not independent yet and not until I am able to live on my own that I can start thinking about this. Moreover, as I mentioned, I still want to do a lot of things in this life so I probably don’t have time for any relationship or dramas at the moment. As much as I want to, I know I am in no position to make someone happy at this stage.
I will take care more of my body, with having enough sleep and rest between training sessions. I do want to have my own Bodyattack class again, and maybe a Bodypump class a week when I am qualified.
I pray to the Buddha to help me and guide me on the right path as well as helping me getting through all the obstacles, giving me courage to achieve what I have set out. I want by this time next year, I will be able to tick all the boxes in my new year resolutions list without having to transfer anything across to next year.
I have come to term to realise that I start to get closer to 30, an age which daydreams are not for me anymore. I need to wake up from all the dreams and start achieving my own goals.
I believe I can do it and I am glad I have all my family and friends to cheer me on every single stage of my path. I know they will always be there for me.
At last, I wish everyone I know a prosperous and healthy new year because nothing is more important than health. I wish you all will achieve whatever you want in life. I wish you will have more love and be loved back even more. I wish you all see life as beautiful as it always be and all have the courage to overcome any hardship life throws at you. Be safe and take care!
Happy New Year everyone and thanks for reading my blog!
[… I wish upon a star, and trying to believe, that even though it’s far, he’ll find me Christmas Eve…] – When Christmas comes to town (The Polar Express OST)
Another Christmas has come… and I find myself lost again…
I always feel a bit lost around festive seasons like Christmas, New year and even Chinese New Year. I guess the reason is because Christmas in my mind is always family time and I do recall never feel like this when I was still living with my family in my country.
[…I guess that Santa’s busy, coz he never comes around…] – When Christmas comes to town (The Polar Express OST)
I always wandering around shops, wanted to buy Christmas decorations but then cannot convince myself to buy them because somehow I find no meaning in buying them. I would walk through all the shop in the city, looking at their Christmas decors and feeling a bit floating, dreaming, my mind would wandering around for ages, does not know where I am going to. Then I realise I don’t have a Christmas tree at home, never properly celebrate Christmas since it is not my family tradition anyway. However, I was torn between the real Christmas spirit of everyone rushing to buy Christmas gifts, flying to their hometown, driving to their family home, gathering, preparing, putting up decorations. Then I realise another thing is we don’t actually have a true cold winter Christmas here in Australia, we always pretend and have imaginary snow in our mind about Christmas, it is not very real. Then layers after layers of thoughts unfold inside my mind. I live with my sister, but our family is forever separated between two countries. We will rarely have a Christmas together. I always wish, I wish it so much that I even dream of it, that once upon a time, my family has a true Christmas together, with Christmas tree, with snow, with decorations, with ornaments, with putting up a golden star on top of the Christmas tree, with everyone around, with my future boyfriend, with presents under the trees and chocolates filling Christmas socks, with ham, with turkey, with champagne, with a feast on a big table with my dad sitting at the end, with my niece ad nephew running around. Everything is just a dream…. far away…
[…The best time of the year, when everyone comes come, with all the Christmas cheers, it’s hard to be alone…] – When Christmas comes to town (The Polar Express OST)
Yes, it is hard to be alone, but my soul feels like it will forever be lonely. I still have that alone feeling when walking on the street leading up to Christmas and feeling lost, looking at couple holding hands together, one thing that I always dream of but never comes true. It might sound bitter and sour, but it is the true, the story of my life. Sometimes I feel sorry even for myself when I feel down looking at couples on the street. Anyway, before we go on, I will refer to this conversation I watched in “How to be single” movie that I really like, the conversation between Tom and Lucy at the bar:
Lucy: Look, I spent half of last year creating an algorithm that trolls dating apps for the best candidates and downloads them into an Excel spreadsheet. So, I know what I’m looking for.
Tom: Yeah, that’s not weird at all. What are you really doing online? I mean, you’re a pretty girl. This is New York City, there’s like a billion people outside that door.
Lucy: Yeah, but how many eligible people? Here.
[she takes a bowl of peanuts and pours them all on the bar counter]
Lucy: Okay, there are eight million people in this city. Sounds like a lot, right?
Tom: It does.
[she separates half of the peanuts]
Lucy: But, half of them are women, and as hard as I tried in college, I don’t swing that way.
Tom: How hard did you try?
Lucy: Let it go.
Lucy: So, four million men. And then you got to have some age limits. Let’s say over 20.
[starts separating the peanuts again]
Tom: Gotta keep it legal.
Lucy: Under 40.
Tom: Keep it sexy.
Lucy: Now it’s a million.
Tom: Right, we’re talking about a million guys.
[starts separating more of the peanuts]
Lucy: But half of them are married, ten percent are gay. I want someone college educated. Not too ugly. So…
[we see there’s only one peanut left on the counter]
Tom: There’s your boyfriend.
Lucy: I wish.
[she squishes the peanut with the end of her cup]
Lucy: He’s got to be taller than me…
[she starts separating the little parts of the peanut]
Lucy: And he’s got to want kids. So, yeah, I’m on ten different dating websites to increase my odds. So, what do you say?
Tom: You let me treat this bar like it’s my living room and I won’t call the cops every night with a noise complaint.
Lucy: Okay. Very cute.
[referring to the pile of peanuts on the counter]
Tom: These are the women?
[Tom gathers up the peanuts into his hand and pops them into his mouth]
So let’s me twist this conversation in the gay way and turn it into my own monologue, it goes like this:
So there’s 4 millions people in Melbourne. Sounds like a lot right? Actually I am gay so 2 millions gone since they’re women! Sorry I just don’t swing that way. 2 millions men. According to recent study, around 3.4 % of the population is homosexual, or at least identified themselves so. So it leaves around 68000 gay men around in Melbourne alone. Hmm let’s have some age limit, I don’t really date guys under my age, so at the moment, let’s say over 26. Around 73% of people age 25-29 resides in capital city, so roughly this works out about 50000 gay men living in Melbourne. I have taken into account the age that would be potential long term partner since from my point of view it should be within 5 years of my age. I’d say 2/3 of them are either taken, or do not want to be involved in any serious relationship. That leaves me around 16000 gay men left. According to my preference of appearance, I would take 1/3 of this as well, since I admit I am picky, so I am left with 5300 gay men. I do want someone with university education, since from my experience, he would be more reasonable, understanding and compatible AND not a prince charming, but good looking. Let’s take half of that out since Australian love sport and kinda hate study. So 2600 left! Yes, just like Lucy in the movie, I do want a family and I do want kids, I know gay guys hate seriousness and extremely afraid of family attachment so I’ll say 1/10 of this number would genuinely want kids and marriage for a real family, so 260 gay men for me to choose from now. 260 gay mens that are perfect for me but scattered across Melbourne, probably rarely go out like me and don’t like the scene, how am I suppose to meet him?
Thank you for reading my monologue, it might not make any sense to you, but hey, it is the truth. Genuine guys are truly rare these days!
[…Presents for the children wrapped in red and green, all the things I’ve heard about but never really seen…] – When Christmas comes to town (The Polar Express OST)
Back to my Christmas blog, it is now nearly midnight and Santa should be here soon! However, I am still feeling lost even lying on my bed and writing this emo blog about Christmas, which supposes to be the opposite. I have painted my new painting 2 days ago as you can see it above, it is exactly the kind of Christmas I want!
I wish one day I can have my true Christmas along my whole family and my love one. It will be amazing. I do wish upon a star tonight that he would come along soon, so I won’t be lost at Christmas anymore. Once again, then my dreams would be completed again and my hand in Christmas Even will never be cold again…
Merry Christmas everyone! I hope all of you will find your way at Christmas and forever hold hands with your love ones! And for me, my lost dream will soon be found, again at Christmas…
[…With all the dreams of children, once lost will all be found, that’s all I want, when Christmas comes to town…] – When Christmas comes to town (The Polar Express OST)
Je sens que j’ai besoin de commencer ce blog en français… seulement un petite peu le français… (I think I need to start this blog in french, just a bit of french :)c. And I would love to meet a guy in December, so it sounds romantic, you know, ‘December Boy’. Anyway here comes the french…
Décembre, en Australie, est été, est chaleur, est le temps qui change de fraîcheur à chaleur, est il y a du vent, est orage, est quatre saisons par jour, est quand le temps fait ma âme et mon esprit distrait, est Nöel, est Nouvel An, est saison de fête, est le temps quand il neige en ma âme mais il fait chaud et ensoleillé en réalité, est le temps de confusion de saison, est tout que Melbourne a pour offrir, est humeur et folie des Mademoiselle Melbourne!
(December in Australia is summer, is heat, is cool change, is windy, is storm, is 4 seasons a day, is the time when the weather makes my soul and my mind sort of wandering, is Christmas, is New year, is festive season, is the time when it snows in my soul but it’s hot and sunny in reality, is the time of confusing of the season, is everything Melbourne has in its to offer, is Ms. Melbourne’s Moodiness and Madness.)
December is the time of my soul to wander every year. It is that time when it gets closer to Christmas, then suddenly my soul feels cold, not because of the weather since it is getting warmer in Australia, but because I always hope I could spend a true Christmas with my whole family. It is just a dream, just like in those movies, with Christmas tree, with Noel log cake, with decorations, with snow, with fireplace, with jacket, with scarf, with warm hugs from parents, with presents under the tree, with snowball fight in the morning of Christmas Day. All of these has become a revolving dream every year around December.
On Christmas night, at least once, a thought would cross my mind that I got someone to hold my hand on Christmas Eve and kiss on New Year Eve. Although I told everyone of my friend I am not waiting anymore, but part of me will always be. I have met a lot of good looking guy, nice ones, that always wonder where they will end up be.
Recently, I love listen to old song, Viva Forever by Spice Girls. It gives me the chill down the spine, the nostalgic chill that I always want to feel again. Especially the humming part at the beginning of the song, it feels like magical door is about to open and let me back to my innocence and childhood. It is the innocence part in me that has been suffocated for too long. It is that part that love unconditionally, that bleeds for love, that yearns for a guy to hug, to protect and to pour the love from my heart.
I feel that the innocence in our heart, in each person’s soul, throughout life, is still alive, but most of us kills it slowly and painfully by greed, by jealousy, by competition, by hatred, by fighting, by broken hearts, by all the thorns in life. We bleed so much in life! Every time we bleed, we kill it off a little bit more. Until it becomes a wrinkled core, covered away by dust of time. However, one day, try not wearing make up, try not wearing flashy clothes, try not thinking too much about your hair, or the person you hate at work, or your ex who broke your heart, just walk outside, smell the flowers, feel the sun, taste the wind! Look at a flower on the side of the road! It is like watering our dehydrated innocence core, let it bloom again! Let everyone see the real you, the real smile, not the fake ones, the pearl inside your soul, and let your soul wander!
I wish one day soon, the guy I like will smile back to me, to prove me wrong, that my crush will always turn his back on me, like the fortune teller said to my Mom in the past.
And let me have a vivid dream, where I can re-live my childhood once again, fill with love, where money is not a thing, only dreams matter! With children songs, with laughs from family, with Grandma’s Buddha bell from the alter every morning and her peaceful chanting through the house; with her little clothing drawer filled with soap smell of incense and her little bottle of Estee Launder ‘Pleasure’ perfume; with my Mom hugging me every early morning; with Dad holding my hand walking me through small alley with bricks that carved with weird Chinese character; with me crying behind the Honda motorbike of my sister, picking me up from school, when being scolded for taking money from the drawer to buy Harry Potter to read; with me and my brother eating Vietnamese broken rice and it tasted so good; with my big sister, after a honda accident, swollen eyes and lips with several stitches, still sitting on the bed sewing the buttons to my school uniform; with family love in one house and with love in one place.
One day, I will find a guy that build all of those again, once again, maybe it won’t be the same, but it will be close…
A family with love.
Posted November 26, 2016on:
It has been a while since I write a blog. I usually open a blank word file, type up my blog first then skim through it before posting. However, this time is different. I am writing exactly what is flowing through my mind right now and let it flows naturally.
I admit I have not been able to control what I spend in life and it is very hard to control myself. However, from now on, I make a commitment that I would be disciplined and stop spending too much on unnecessary things. I am at the age when I start to think about saving up for big things in the future such as house and maybe a family. Nevertheless, I do want to continue to study all the languages for at least another years to get myself competent with the basic levels before I cease them. In other words, I want to continue my languages journey as long as I can sustain.
Studying languages is always fascinating me as it opens another door to a whole new world. You listen to people talking and you be able to talk back, to pick up words, to understand phrases, sentences, pieces that has always been foreign to you in the past. It is an amazing feeling that I do not want to stop. Studying languages also introduce me to many new cultures, to understand more about other races’ people thoughts. It is like a drug addiction that I know it would always be a part of me. The more I study and know about the world, the less I think my appearance matters anymore. I used to have to dress up whenever I go out on the street, yet now, I put on whatever I can find as long as it does not seem too sloppy for outside. “Be rich, not looking rich” is a quote that I read the other days and it suddenly all make sense to me. Looking back at my parents and sisters and brothers, none of them actually materialistic. I am a spoilt one! However, please believe in me that I am trying my best to become a better person. Every seconds, every day, I woke up and strive for the better, to think positively, to be nice to people, to look for what makes me happy, to eliminate the loneliness inside me, to learn to enjoy my alone time, to save money, to try to make it to work on time, to be nice to everyone at work, even scold myself when I have a negative thought about someone.
Another part of me is my fitness journey. I used to be a fat boy, then I lost weight a few years ago playing badminton back in my country, forced to lose weight by my Mom. I attend badminton group every morning with her at the part near my house. Then one day I decided to join the gym, then it all begins. I am involved in a weight loss program at work with 1-1 counselling in a private room. I hear people thoughts and I see their struggles with weight loss and with their life. I do realise I am lucky to be where I am at the moment because there are so many unfortunate souls out there trying to make ends meet everyday, let alone thinking about losing weight and getting healthier for themselves. Life is hard! Every time I am about to start my fitness class, I told myself that I would give 101% even when I am tired. I do not want them to see some sloppy instructor on stage. I try to motivate them and push my class forward. I told them “if you are not out of breath, I would not call it a cardio workout, it is here when you really get fitter”. You might think I am crazy when I teach, but that’s my motivating side coming out and I will drag the whole class through with me and make sure they get something out of the class and not just wasting an hour for nothing.
There are 2 things in life that I cannot stand: people’s stupidity and people’s laziness! Unfortunately, these two things usually come together in people. I work in pharmacy and retail pharmacy really upset me and frustrates me. The reason is I can’t stand seeing things like a mom does not want to take her child to the doctor even though the kid has had fever for 1 week, and just want me to give them something quick to solve their problems. If you don’t even make effort for your own kids, then I wonder how you are living your life everyday?; Or immigrants who do not know how lucky they are in such a country like Australia with a benefit like the Medicare system, yet continue whinging about having to pay $6.20 for a medication that might cost them thousands of dollars if they are not covered by this benefit; Or people who do not want to exercise, but want to sit on their bums, watch TV, take some tablets to lose weight and have a nice body!; Or those that turn ugly, racist or scream and swear thinking they would get what they want behaving in such a feral manners!
When working in retail, you deal with different types of people and you see all the ugliness, all the craziness, all the idiots come out in people. They might look normal walking on the street, but turn into a psycho when they don’t get what they want. What a horrible standard the world has come to nowadays! I wish I could just share some courage into those who are whinging, some braveness into those who are scared to step forward, some power into those who are lazy. If I can do that, I think the world would become a slightly better place.
I will have a new job soon, it will be in hospital, because I have decided that retail is enough for me and I would never step back into retail ever again. I hope this job will bring me more hope in what I am doing. I also will continue to strive for my dreams next year. I always want to step into medicine and I will never stop trying. Everyday, I pray that my ancestors and the Buddha would give me courage and guide me to the right path to my dreams. You might think I am too ambitious, but that is who I am. I guess I would not call myself Never Give Up Boy if I don’t have these characteristics in me. I will save money, I will ignore all the distractions and strive on my own path. Suddenly, I realise that finding someone to love is not important anymore, right now, I do need support from friends and family, but I will not have time for a boyfriend or any relationship. I need to slow down in my social life and concentrate more at my desk to study and work on my dreams.
And I believe I can make it comes true once again, just like I did in the past when I first come here as a newbie!
I am 26 this year and people say that I am still too young. I feel this uncomfortable when I was being compared with someone older. I always wonder why would people say things like “you’ll too young! You’ll understand it when you get older”. Why can’t they just say something else instead, maybe something like :”oh you’re actually mature for your age, but maybe think a bit less, things will slowly work out, don’t worry”
Try to imagine this scenario. You have watched so many movie, saw many romance in life, real romance. You see people dating, their date turns into relationship and they hold hands for many years, move in together and etc. When you try to talk about it to your friends and they keep saying that it would happen to you when the times come. That right person will come eventually
Then you have been through life for so many years that you have not experienced anything like it once in life.
Not even once
Then you start wondering: What if the time NEVER comes? What if it’s meant to be this way? To keep up your hope but your destiny has been designed for no one but you alone all the way till death?
Don’t get me wrong, I am not depressed but it all seems a bit sad when it turns out this way for real. I have seen relatives, friends, people I know that ends up alone and still alone. Maybe, I am that chosen one? Maybe that’s why everything never actually turns out right and all the dates ruined?
You see all your friends getting there one by one but you still seems to be standing at the same place forever. Maybe life is being a bit ironic and leading you on with false hope?
I know it is too many questions in this blog already but it is hard not to wonder, isn’t it?
I would love to have someone to hold and protect and warm him up on a cold night? Or getting a dog together? Or carrying him on my back and running on the beach at sunset. All those imaginary romantic scenes, will they happen? I don’t know anymore.
Maybe I watched too much movies. Maybe romance is only meant for the TV screen.
I keep on having one-sided crush one after another and nothing reaches the next stage. I have become this bold person that is running out of time. I bury myself in books and study to keep me busy and forget that false hope I create. Maybe it’s time to convince myself that it would never happen to me.
They say things happen when you least expect it. Well, I can say it would never happen to me.
Sometimes I feel pity and sorry for my own self as I see couple happy together. I could not help it but feel this big bulge of pain right inside the left side of my chest. I am just an ordinary person, no shinning, nothing special about me. Therefore, I don’t think I should expect anything more than just a normal life.
I’m pretty sure that there will be guys out there looking at me on the street and think I am good-looking. That’s no doubt. But maybe it will only end at that and nothing more. In the era of nowadays, no one makes any effort anymore, we all waiting for our right one to come naturally, being pushed into our palm. I do feel frustrated by this idea of the better one will come because if I see something I like I always strive to have it.
Just some thought for tonight
That’s all, good night!