NeverGiveUp_Boy's Blog

I decided to turn one of my facebook status into a real blog. Because right now sitting at my desk at the end of yet another Easter holidays, there are many thoughts that I want to express and write it out so my heart feels less heavy.

An afternoon before Easter.
-How are you feeling?
-ohh… I don’t know… I feel a bit better… – she said in a hoarse voice
-Do you still see double vision?
-er… I don’t feel like I have any vision at all – she replied, holding my hand as I kneeled down next to her bed. She had a fall last night. She was deteriorating, but kind of getting better…
-You’ll be fine, you looks better already.
-where are you going now…?
-Oh I’m going home now…
-Oh no… what am I gonna do without you…?
-Awww you will be fine. You’re doing very well
-When are you back?
-I’ll be back here Tuesday, in 4 days…
-Maybe I’ll be dead by then… – she said stil squeezing my hand. I can see at the inner of her elbow, dried blood stains, from where the blood was taken this afternoon. The bandaid hanging loosely from the skin, just like her life at the moment…
-Please don’t say that, you will be fine.
-No… but at my age… you know… you would expect that…
-Oh Mrs.J, don’t say things like that. You’re doing very well, I will see you Tuesday. You have a great Easter ok….
-Well, YOU have a good Easter yourself! Bye bye…

I left the room, now I don’t know if I’m gonna see her Tuesday or not. I have seen a few deaths since I been here. But especially her, she reminded me suddenly of my grandma. I realise I just have tears in my eyes as I realise there is nothing I can do. This is what makes me want to help people more… please let me get in what I want this time so I can help them. I keep praying.

I do hope that tomorrow when I am back to work I will be able to still see her at the hospital. I sometimes feel helpless towards patients as I am not a doctor and I can’t really do much while the real doctor is too busy with so many patients and don’t have enough time to spend and see each of them properly. I have promised to myself that if Life ever gives me a chance to become a doctor, I will and definitely will go to unfortunate countries to help them. I’d rather do something big and great in this life than waste it.

I have a discussion with a friend over the weekend and apparently I conclude that I am an ignorant. I tend to ignore what makes me frustrated and I could not do anything about it. I ignore because I cannot do anything to change it or I cannot have it my way. It just helps! I might be a closed minded person but hey at least I am happy and does not hurt anyone. I feel like I am slowly going through a massive change in my personality and way of thinking. I tend to lessen exposing myself to the world and just quietly do what I think is right. I don’t think expressing my opinion (unless being asked) is important anymore. People can think whatever they want and i will continue to do what I think is right, because it will always be the right way for me. I follow the compass of my heart and not what people told me to.

People asked me why do I learn so many languages. What for? Well, I don’t know, I just think it is the right think to do in my heart. And it is what I love to do, so I do it! And it’s not like it’s hurting anyone? I just do what I love! My mind cannot stop learning new things. I find that if I slow down, time will go wasted. Who knows I might die tomorrow? And never have a chance to learn anything else. Life is an uncertain mess and I have learned to deal with it with my own way: NEVER WAIT!

I just feel like we are living in a world of self-obsessed society, where body and sexual images are praised, while brains and intellectuals are neglected and ignored. Inner beauty no longer is the priority but six-packs and big booties. The morals are going down and all these things even want to make me striking stronger for my knowledges. This is why I ignore them and step on on my own paths. I want to do more to the world that just being an ordinary person who save money, buy house and enjoy the emptiness of luxury life. Seeing the smile of an unfortunate African kid makes my heart melt, or when people doing kind acts brings tears to my eyes. Those are the leftovers of a place where this world really should going to! This is why I choose to ignore! I close my eyes and continue to step. I might be the odd one, but in my heart, I know I am stepping the right path. I might end up dying alone without having anyone next to me, but at least I know I will live a happy life bringing happiness to people. I stop hoping there will be someone out there because I have come to the acceptance that there might be no one at all. Look, I am not depressed, do not misunderstand! I accept it already and I am happier than ever. I accept that friendship can be broken and nothing is forever. No one will step with you until the end, only yourself and your own soul.

May life give me a chance to become a doctor soon, so I can help more people around me, don’t ask me why doctor? I just know it is the right path for me, right from inside my heart.

10:48pm Easter Monday 17/04//17


I yearn for a love story

Where it will be my story,

Not someone else’s

And the endless nights

Of crying in loneliness

Will ends…


I yearn for a warm hand

That I can hold, in winter,

Twining fingers over fingers

Then I look up to that face

and smile

Not looking at others

And bitterly smile,

And holding my own two hands together…


I yearn for a warm body

The one to call mine

And he calls mine his

When we woke up

Within the morning coffee smokes,

He hugs me from behind, and gently

Bite my ears and smell my hair

Not empty sheets…


I yearn for a smile

That would brighten up my days.

Greets me when I come home everyday

Threading my fingers through his hair

Touching his lips, that causes a smile

And the warm, caring eye gleams,

Not the fake smile I got,

After a one-night-stand…


Why do you scared

Of someone who will love you?

Why do you scared

Of attachment and string?

Why do you scared

Of races and skin colours?

And why do you scared

To bare your heart?


Have you lost faith in Love already?

Have you lost faith in Life already?

Have you lost faith in Honesty?

Have you lost it all already?


I don’t know if that day would come

But I will bare my soul

How many times more do my bleeding heart

Will be offered and thrown down to earth

I pick it up, wipe the dust,

And place it back in my chest, scarred

But I won’t be scared,

(Like the rest of you)

I will stay truly and faithfully

Not faking my feeling

And waiting for you one day, hopefully…







I will make this blog about my Mom. In fact, I will let her write it because she is such an amazing woman in my life. She is studying English in USA and I cannot say how much I am proud of her right now! Her English has improved so much and her presentation actually brings tears to my eyes.

This is her final presentation of her last term. She chose to speak about her life in Vietnam during wartime. So here goes… a mini autobiography of a Vietnamese women during wartime:

 Do you see my hair is becoming white? I think I ‘ve gone through life enough to tell you my story. Do you willing to hear?
I was born in North Vn in the wartime. The war was fought against the domination of French. My mother gave birth to me while my family was evacuating from the war zone. When I was 6 years old, the war ended with the Geneva treaty , but my country has been divided into 2 parts . The North belonged to the Communists and the South was a free country. More than one millions southerners fled to the South Vn including my family.
After a few years of peace, the Communists in the North lauched a new war against the South . That was an ideological war in order to put all the country under communism.
We were in war again. My family lived in SAIGON , the capital of the South Vn . At first , I hadn’t be influenced much by the war , then the war escalated gradually . I could hear the sounds of the shells ,of the jet fighters in the night. I could see the military vehicles went through the city and the signal flares brightened on the sky at night. I could feel the astmosphere of war around.
At this time , I continued my study in the University. During that time , I was falling in love with a medical student that I met at the library for more than 3 years, and we got married after my graduation.
My husband was a military doctor ,who was assigned to the 22 nd division in Central Vn  and I rarely saw him. At the same time , his brother and my two brothers were mobilized into the army ,too.
From those time on ,I really felt the fierceness of war. I always lived in fear and anxiety with my newborn daughter. I didn’t want to be a widow , but human life was nothing in war. Who knew what would happen?
Luckily , 4 years later, my husband was transferred to the hospital in Hoi An city. It’s a small city on the coast in Central Vn.
I moved to Hoi An with my two kids and the 3rd was on the way.
In Hoi An I could hear the sounds of gunfire and shells everyday around the city.
At the end of March ,1975 ,the Viet cong soldiers invaded many cities of highland and of Central Vn. There was a huge avacuation of people and military from Central to South Vn . I saw the endless lines of vehicles and people had been packed on the main road to the South Vn . The crowed people tried to climb onto the ship from their small boats. It was the chaos I had never imagined before. My husband and I lost each other on the way to the South until we were in SAIGON . We lost all our property.
All terrible sights that we witnessed made us not dare to flee the country on the last day April 30 ,1975 . We regretted it later.
After the occupation of Communists , South vn was totally up side down. The society was in turmoil.I never forget the feeling of sadness , of fear ,of pain ,and of disappointment  . All the military officers and the government high ranking officers including my husband were put in the “re-education camps” all over the country. We lost all our money after the first money change .There were no trading ,no market ,no store , no restaurant , everything were under the control of the government ,the so call ” people committee ” . They sold food to each family based on the number of person in the family. People didn’t know how to earn their living. How could I survive? Even if I still worked at the University of pharmacy. The small salary was not enough to feed my kids. I had no new from my husband. I was in the worst mental and physical situation. Thanks to our siblings abroad who sent me money to raise our kids
After nearly 3 years in prison ,my husband was released. Because the shortage of skilled professionals, the government released  all doctors , pharmacists ,dentists ,teachers ,engineers to use them. My husband was assigned to the children ‘s hospital in Saigon . We lived in the difficult situation until the government applied the ” open door” policy . Life got a little better.
The more I lived under Communist regime ,the more I understood about Communists. I realized that the reality of Communism is not as good as its theory.
We worried about the political program of education which applied in schools. I dreamed that my children could live in freedom, could have a good education , could become the good people . And thanks to the helps of ours siblings , my dream came true. My children , one by one lelf the country , we were the last one.
Now , I stand here and I accept this land is my second homeland. I believe that people have their own destiny ,the life of a person goes up and down depending on the fate of his country , just like a feather that is blown by the wind.

… and that’s my Mom everyone! Thanks for reading 🙂



I have been reaching for emptiness, for a world that is not mine. My time is running out and I have not been able to achieve what I wanted to be. I have been wasting time on pointless goals and fooling marks. Now I have realised no matter how hard I try, the results have already been set.

I will give myself a time frame to think but I suddenly realise my mind have shifted and I am scared. Scared of this decision that I might make. A colleague at work told me:”You gotta sacrifice something man”. It’s true, maybe it’s time to sacrifice that thing so I can fully pursue what I always wanted. His words are like an ultra-sharp knife that cut right through my dream balloons. These balloons need to be broken so I can actually turn my dreams into reality one day.

One week from now on, I will have the answer for myself, and I will decide what I want to be. I give myself one week to think about it and make this big decision. Time is running out, I need to wake up and serve the right purpose of life.

One week and counting…

FullSizeRender.jpg.jpegToday is 01/01/2017 the very first day of the year. I want to start this year all fresh and clean again.
I have set a few goals for this year and I will carry it out straightaway.
Firstly , I need to be more focus when I start doing something. I tend to get distracted easily lately which I still don’t know the reason. However, from now on, when I do something, I will give it 100% attention.
I wanted to be certified in Bodypump which I have trained in a year ago but keep holding it back and making excuses. For me, this program proves a lot more difficult than Bodyattack since there are a lot of coaching while teaching the class and the adrenaline rush is not as much as Bodyattack. There are a lot of reps and the music is also not as upbeat and catchy like Bodyattack. However, I have decided that I want to finished what I started and be qualified in this program early this year.
I will save up this year so that I can have a big saving by the end of the year. Be more responsible for my spending. I will limit my going out days with no going out midweek and once per weekend. I will not buy anything unless it is absolutely necessary and I will die without having it. I think this is a good strategies since I am very lucky to have everything I need at the moment.
My other goals would also be getting into a more advance levels of my languages I am studying, especially my Japanese. I do want to learn more Kanji characters and be able to read Japanese quicker and more fluent.
I will plan and dedicate more time to study for my exam in March and I will make sure I have a better score this time to get into what I want. For me, this is my main goal in life so I have decided I do not have time for any relationship. Even though I am still feel sad sometimes that I am now still alone while my friends all have their partner/boyfriend/husband/fiancé. Nevertheless, I do understand that I am not independent yet and not until I am able to live on my own that I can start thinking about this. Moreover, as I mentioned, I still want to do a lot of things in this life so I probably don’t have time for any relationship or dramas at the moment. As much as I want to, I know I am in no position to make someone happy at this stage.
I will take care more of my body, with having enough sleep and rest between training sessions. I do want to have my own Bodyattack class again, and maybe a Bodypump class a week when I am qualified.
I pray to the Buddha to help me and guide me on the right path as well as helping me getting through all the obstacles, giving me courage to achieve what I have set out. I want by this time next year, I will be able to tick all the boxes in my new year resolutions list without having to transfer anything across to next year.
I have come to term to realise that I start to get closer to 30, an age which daydreams are not for me anymore. I need to wake up from all the dreams and start achieving my own goals.
I believe I can do it and I am glad I have all my family and friends to cheer me on every single stage of my path. I know they will always be there for me.
At last, I wish everyone I know a prosperous and healthy new year because nothing is more important than health. I wish you all will achieve whatever you want in life. I wish you will have more love and be loved back even more. I wish you all see life as beautiful as it always be and all have the courage to overcome any hardship life throws at you. Be safe and take care!
Happy New Year everyone and thanks for reading my blog!

(12:00am 02/01/2017)


[… I wish upon a star, and trying to believe, that even though it’s far, he’ll find me Christmas Eve…] – When Christmas comes to town (The Polar Express OST)

Another Christmas has come… and I find myself lost again…

I always feel a bit lost around festive seasons like Christmas, New year and even Chinese New Year. I guess the reason is because Christmas in my mind is always family time and I do recall never feel like this when I was still living with my family in my country.

[…I guess that Santa’s busy, coz he never comes around…] – When Christmas comes to town (The Polar Express OST)

I always wandering around shops, wanted to buy Christmas decorations but then cannot convince myself to buy them because somehow I find no meaning in buying them. I would walk through all the shop in the city, looking at their Christmas decors and feeling a bit floating, dreaming, my mind would wandering around for ages, does not know where I am going to. Then I realise I don’t have a Christmas tree at home, never properly celebrate Christmas since it is not my family tradition anyway. However, I was torn between the real Christmas spirit of everyone rushing to buy Christmas gifts, flying to their hometown, driving to their family home, gathering, preparing, putting up decorations. Then I realise another thing is we don’t actually have a true cold winter Christmas here in Australia, we always pretend and have imaginary snow in our mind about Christmas, it is not very real. Then layers after layers of thoughts unfold inside my mind. I live with my sister, but our family is forever separated between two countries. We will rarely have a Christmas together. I always wish, I wish it so much that I even dream of it, that once upon a time, my family has a true Christmas together, with Christmas tree, with snow, with decorations, with ornaments, with putting up a golden star on top of the Christmas tree, with everyone around, with my future boyfriend, with presents under the trees and chocolates filling Christmas socks, with ham, with turkey, with champagne, with a feast on a big table with my dad sitting at the end, with my niece ad nephew running around. Everything is just a dream…. far away…

[…The best time of the year, when everyone comes come, with all the Christmas cheers, it’s hard to be alone…] – When Christmas comes to town (The Polar Express OST)

Yes, it is hard to be alone, but my soul feels like it will forever be lonely. I still have that alone feeling when walking on the street leading up to Christmas and feeling lost, looking at couple holding hands together, one thing that I always dream of but never comes true. It might sound bitter and sour, but it is the true, the story of my life. Sometimes I feel sorry even for myself when I feel down looking at couples on the street. Anyway, before we go on, I will refer to this conversation I watched in “How to be single” movie that I really like, the conversation between Tom and Lucy at the bar:

Lucy: Look, I spent half of last year creating an algorithm that trolls dating apps for the best candidates and downloads them into an Excel spreadsheet. So, I know what I’m looking for.
Tom: Yeah, that’s not weird at all. What are you really doing online? I mean, you’re a pretty girl. This is New York City, there’s like a billion people outside that door.
Lucy: Yeah, but how many eligible people? Here. 
[she takes a bowl of peanuts and pours them all on the bar counter]
Lucy: Okay, there are eight million people in this city. Sounds like a lot, right?
Tom: It does.
[she separates half of the peanuts]
Lucy: But, half of them are women, and as hard as I tried in college, I don’t swing that way.
Tom: How hard did you try?
Lucy: Let it go.
Tom: Okay.
Lucy: So, four million men. And then you got to have some age limits. Let’s say over 20.
[starts separating the peanuts again]
Tom: Gotta keep it legal.
Lucy: Under 40.
Tom: Keep it sexy.
Lucy: Now it’s a million.
Tom: Right, we’re talking about a million guys.
[starts separating more of the peanuts]
Lucy: But half of them are married, ten percent are gay. I want someone college educated. Not too ugly. So…
[we see there’s only one peanut left on the counter]
Tom: There’s your boyfriend.
Lucy: I wish.
[she squishes the peanut with the end of her cup]
Lucy: He’s got to be taller than me…
[she starts separating the little parts of the peanut]
Lucy: And he’s got to want kids. So, yeah, I’m on ten different dating websites to increase my odds. So, what do you say?
Tom: You let me treat this bar like it’s my living room and I won’t call the cops every night with a noise complaint.
Lucy: Okay. Very cute.
[referring to the pile of peanuts on the counter]
Tom: These are the women?
Lucy: Hmm.
Tom: Thanks.
[Tom gathers up the peanuts into his hand and pops them into his mouth]

So let’s me twist this conversation in the gay way and turn it into my own monologue, it goes like this:

So there’s 4 millions people in Melbourne. Sounds like a lot right? Actually I am gay so 2 millions gone since they’re women! Sorry I just don’t swing that way. 2 millions men. According to recent study, around 3.4 % of the population is homosexual, or at least identified themselves so. So it leaves around 68000 gay men around in Melbourne alone. Hmm let’s have some age limit, I don’t really date guys under my age, so at the moment, let’s say over 26. Around 73% of people age 25-29 resides in capital city, so roughly this works out about 50000 gay men living in Melbourne. I have taken into account the age that would be potential long term partner since from my point of view it should be within 5 years of my age. I’d say 2/3 of them are either taken, or do not want to be involved in any serious relationship. That leaves me around 16000 gay men left. According to my preference of appearance, I would take 1/3 of this as well, since I admit I am picky, so I am left with 5300 gay men. I do want someone with university education, since from my experience, he would be more reasonable, understanding and compatible AND not a prince charming, but good looking. Let’s take half of that out since Australian love sport and kinda hate study. So 2600 left! Yes, just like Lucy in the movie, I do want a family and I do want kids, I know gay guys hate seriousness and extremely afraid of family attachment so I’ll say 1/10 of this number would genuinely want kids and marriage for a real family, so 260 gay men for me to choose from now. 260 gay mens that are perfect for me but scattered across Melbourne, probably rarely go out like me and don’t like the scene, how am I suppose to meet him?

Thank you for reading my monologue, it might not make any sense to you, but hey, it is the truth. Genuine guys are truly rare these days!

[…Presents for the children wrapped in red and green, all the things I’ve heard about but never really seen…] – When Christmas comes to town (The Polar Express OST)

Back to my Christmas blog, it is now nearly midnight and Santa should be here soon! However, I am still feeling lost even lying on my bed and writing this emo blog about Christmas, which supposes to be the opposite. I have painted my new painting 2 days ago as you can see it above, it is exactly the kind of Christmas I want!

I wish one day I can have my true Christmas along my whole family and my love one. It will be amazing. I do wish upon a star tonight that he would come along soon, so I won’t be lost at Christmas anymore. Once again, then my dreams would be completed again and my hand in Christmas Even will never be cold again…

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope all of you will find your way at Christmas and forever hold hands with your love ones! And for me, my lost dream will soon be found, again at Christmas…

[…With all the dreams of children, once lost will all be found, that’s all I want, when Christmas comes to town…] – When Christmas comes to town (The Polar Express OST)




Je sens que j’ai besoin de commencer ce blog en français… seulement un petite peu le français… (I think I need to start this blog in french, just a bit of french :)c. And I would love to meet a guy in December, so it sounds romantic, you know, ‘December Boy’. Anyway here comes the french…

Décembre, en Australie, est été, est chaleur, est le temps qui change de fraîcheur à chaleur,  est il y a du vent, est orage, est quatre saisons par jour, est quand le temps fait ma âme et mon esprit distrait, est Nöel, est Nouvel An, est saison de fête, est le temps quand il neige en ma âme mais il fait chaud et ensoleillé en réalité, est le temps de confusion de saison, est tout que Melbourne a pour offrir, est humeur et folie des Mademoiselle Melbourne!

(December in Australia is summer, is heat, is cool change, is windy, is storm, is 4 seasons a day, is the time when the weather makes my soul and my mind sort of wandering, is Christmas, is New year, is festive season, is the time when it snows in my soul but it’s hot and sunny in reality, is the time of confusing of the season, is everything Melbourne has in its to offer, is Ms. Melbourne’s Moodiness and Madness.)

December is the time of my soul to wander every year. It is that time when it gets closer to Christmas, then suddenly my soul feels cold, not because of the weather since it is getting warmer in Australia, but because I always hope I could spend a true Christmas with my whole family. It is just a dream, just like in those movies, with Christmas tree, with Noel log cake, with decorations, with snow, with fireplace, with jacket, with scarf, with warm hugs from parents, with presents under the tree, with snowball fight in the morning of Christmas Day. All of these has become a revolving dream every year around December.

On Christmas night, at least once, a thought would cross my mind that I got someone to hold my hand on Christmas Eve and kiss on New Year Eve. Although I told everyone of my friend I am not waiting anymore, but part of me will always be. I have met a lot of good looking guy, nice ones, that always wonder where they will end up be.

Recently, I love listen to old song, Viva Forever by Spice Girls. It gives me the chill down the spine, the nostalgic chill that I always want to feel again. Especially the humming part at the beginning of the song, it feels like magical door is about to open and let me back to my innocence and childhood. It is the innocence part in me that has been suffocated for too long. It is that part that love unconditionally, that bleeds for love, that yearns for a guy to hug, to protect and to pour the love from my heart.

I feel that the innocence in our heart, in each person’s soul, throughout life, is still alive, but most of us kills it slowly and painfully by greed, by jealousy, by competition, by hatred, by fighting, by broken hearts, by all the thorns in life. We bleed so much in life! Every time we bleed, we kill it off a little bit more. Until it becomes a wrinkled core, covered away by dust of time. However, one day, try not wearing make up, try not wearing flashy clothes, try not thinking too much about your hair, or the person you hate at work, or your ex who broke your heart, just walk outside, smell the flowers, feel the sun, taste the wind! Look at a flower on the side of the road! It is like watering our dehydrated innocence core, let it bloom again! Let everyone see the real you, the real smile, not the fake ones, the pearl inside your soul, and let your soul wander!

I wish one day soon, the guy I like will smile back to me, to prove me wrong, that my crush will always turn his back on me, like the fortune teller said to my Mom in the past.

And let me have a vivid dream, where I can re-live my childhood once again, fill with love, where money is not a thing, only dreams matter! With children songs, with laughs from family, with Grandma’s Buddha bell from the alter every morning and her peaceful chanting through the house; with her little clothing drawer filled with soap smell of incense and her little bottle of Estee Launder ‘Pleasure’ perfume; with my Mom hugging me every early morning; with Dad holding my hand walking me through small alley with bricks that carved with weird Chinese character; with me crying behind the Honda motorbike of my sister, picking me up from school, when being scolded for taking money from the drawer to buy Harry Potter to read; with me and my brother eating Vietnamese broken rice and it tasted so good; with my big sister, after a honda accident, swollen eyes and lips with several stitches, still sitting on the bed sewing the buttons to my school uniform; with family love in one house and with love in one place.

One day, I will find a guy that build all of those again, once again, maybe it won’t be the same, but it will be close…

A family with love.


*NEW MONTHLY BLOG UPDATE: The blog for December 2013 New Year Eve has been published:
-Title: Decembre'13 - Step forward with courage and wisdom
(With the new crest for 2014!!!)

May 2017
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