Posts Tagged ‘lost’
Noël’16 – Lost at Christmas
Posted on: December 24, 2016
[… I wish upon a star, and trying to believe, that even though it’s far, he’ll find me Christmas Eve…] – When Christmas comes to town (The Polar Express OST)
Another Christmas has come… and I find myself lost again…
I always feel a bit lost around festive seasons like Christmas, New year and even Chinese New Year. I guess the reason is because Christmas in my mind is always family time and I do recall never feel like this when I was still living with my family in my country.
[…I guess that Santa’s busy, coz he never comes around…] – When Christmas comes to town (The Polar Express OST)
I always wandering around shops, wanted to buy Christmas decorations but then cannot convince myself to buy them because somehow I find no meaning in buying them. I would walk through all the shop in the city, looking at their Christmas decors and feeling a bit floating, dreaming, my mind would wandering around for ages, does not know where I am going to. Then I realise I don’t have a Christmas tree at home, never properly celebrate Christmas since it is not my family tradition anyway. However, I was torn between the real Christmas spirit of everyone rushing to buy Christmas gifts, flying to their hometown, driving to their family home, gathering, preparing, putting up decorations. Then I realise another thing is we don’t actually have a true cold winter Christmas here in Australia, we always pretend and have imaginary snow in our mind about Christmas, it is not very real. Then layers after layers of thoughts unfold inside my mind. I live with my sister, but our family is forever separated between two countries. We will rarely have a Christmas together. I always wish, I wish it so much that I even dream of it, that once upon a time, my family has a true Christmas together, with Christmas tree, with snow, with decorations, with ornaments, with putting up a golden star on top of the Christmas tree, with everyone around, with my future boyfriend, with presents under the trees and chocolates filling Christmas socks, with ham, with turkey, with champagne, with a feast on a big table with my dad sitting at the end, with my niece ad nephew running around. Everything is just a dream…. far away…
[…The best time of the year, when everyone comes come, with all the Christmas cheers, it’s hard to be alone…] – When Christmas comes to town (The Polar Express OST)
Yes, it is hard to be alone, but my soul feels like it will forever be lonely. I still have that alone feeling when walking on the street leading up to Christmas and feeling lost, looking at couple holding hands together, one thing that I always dream of but never comes true. It might sound bitter and sour, but it is the true, the story of my life. Sometimes I feel sorry even for myself when I feel down looking at couples on the street. Anyway, before we go on, I will refer to this conversation I watched in “How to be single” movie that I really like, the conversation between Tom and Lucy at the bar:
Lucy: Look, I spent half of last year creating an algorithm that trolls dating apps for the best candidates and downloads them into an Excel spreadsheet. So, I know what I’m looking for.
Tom: Yeah, that’s not weird at all. What are you really doing online? I mean, you’re a pretty girl. This is New York City, there’s like a billion people outside that door.
Lucy: Yeah, but how many eligible people? Here.
[she takes a bowl of peanuts and pours them all on the bar counter]
Lucy: Okay, there are eight million people in this city. Sounds like a lot, right?
Tom: It does.
[she separates half of the peanuts]
Lucy: But, half of them are women, and as hard as I tried in college, I don’t swing that way.
Tom: How hard did you try?
Lucy: Let it go.
Tom: Okay.
Lucy: So, four million men. And then you got to have some age limits. Let’s say over 20.
[starts separating the peanuts again]
Tom: Gotta keep it legal.
Lucy: Under 40.
Tom: Keep it sexy.
Lucy: Now it’s a million.
Tom: Right, we’re talking about a million guys.
[starts separating more of the peanuts]
Lucy: But half of them are married, ten percent are gay. I want someone college educated. Not too ugly. So…
[we see there’s only one peanut left on the counter]
Tom: There’s your boyfriend.
Lucy: I wish.
[she squishes the peanut with the end of her cup]
Lucy: He’s got to be taller than me…
[she starts separating the little parts of the peanut]
Lucy: And he’s got to want kids. So, yeah, I’m on ten different dating websites to increase my odds. So, what do you say?
Tom: You let me treat this bar like it’s my living room and I won’t call the cops every night with a noise complaint.
Lucy: Okay. Very cute.
[referring to the pile of peanuts on the counter]
Tom: These are the women?
Lucy: Hmm.
Tom: Thanks.
[Tom gathers up the peanuts into his hand and pops them into his mouth]
So let’s me twist this conversation in the gay way and turn it into my own monologue, it goes like this:
So there’s 4 millions people in Melbourne. Sounds like a lot right? Actually I am gay so 2 millions gone since they’re women! Sorry I just don’t swing that way. 2 millions men. According to recent study, around 3.4 % of the population is homosexual, or at least identified themselves so. So it leaves around 68000 gay men around in Melbourne alone. Hmm let’s have some age limit, I don’t really date guys under my age, so at the moment, let’s say over 26. Around 73% of people age 25-29 resides in capital city, so roughly this works out about 50000 gay men living in Melbourne. I have taken into account the age that would be potential long term partner since from my point of view it should be within 5 years of my age. I’d say 2/3 of them are either taken, or do not want to be involved in any serious relationship. That leaves me around 16000 gay men left. According to my preference of appearance, I would take 1/3 of this as well, since I admit I am picky, so I am left with 5300 gay men. I do want someone with university education, since from my experience, he would be more reasonable, understanding and compatible AND not a prince charming, but good looking. Let’s take half of that out since Australian love sport and kinda hate study. So 2600 left! Yes, just like Lucy in the movie, I do want a family and I do want kids, I know gay guys hate seriousness and extremely afraid of family attachment so I’ll say 1/10 of this number would genuinely want kids and marriage for a real family, so 260 gay men for me to choose from now. 260 gay mens that are perfect for me but scattered across Melbourne, probably rarely go out like me and don’t like the scene, how am I suppose to meet him?
Thank you for reading my monologue, it might not make any sense to you, but hey, it is the truth. Genuine guys are truly rare these days!
[…Presents for the children wrapped in red and green, all the things I’ve heard about but never really seen…] – When Christmas comes to town (The Polar Express OST)
Back to my Christmas blog, it is now nearly midnight and Santa should be here soon! However, I am still feeling lost even lying on my bed and writing this emo blog about Christmas, which supposes to be the opposite. I have painted my new painting 2 days ago as you can see it above, it is exactly the kind of Christmas I want!
I wish one day I can have my true Christmas along my whole family and my love one. It will be amazing. I do wish upon a star tonight that he would come along soon, so I won’t be lost at Christmas anymore. Once again, then my dreams would be completed again and my hand in Christmas Even will never be cold again…
Merry Christmas everyone! I hope all of you will find your way at Christmas and forever hold hands with your love ones! And for me, my lost dream will soon be found, again at Christmas…
[…With all the dreams of children, once lost will all be found, that’s all I want, when Christmas comes to town…] – When Christmas comes to town (The Polar Express OST)
Si vis amari ama - If you wish to be loved, love
The song for this blog will be “Eden” by Kalafina because it gives such an uplifting mood:
http://mp3.zing.vn/bai-hat/Eden-Kalafina/ZWZDECU9.html
I just started jogging everyday about 3 months ago. I feel great after jogging and exercise in the morning after I woke up. Whenever I jog, I feel very fresh alive. I have this habit thanks to a friend I met recently. As I jog along the road I see several things…
…I jog pass a growing tree…
I feel Life in each vessels of the tree, in each leaf and each branch of it. Everything in this Earth is so beautiful and the sunlight is magnificent through all the trees and shines through the blue sky. This world is full of Life at this very moment, there is nothing that can prevent Life from pouring out from each tiny cracks of this vast world. Therefore, there no reason for me to be sad or down because I see Life everyone, it’s happiness, it’s sunlight!!!
… I don’t want to be down or sad anymore!
…I jog pass a park full of sunlight…
I walked slowly into the park and enjoy the scenery. It is so beautiful here as well. There are several birds on the ground hunting for food. Everything is very peaceful here, just like heaven! Although the park is right next to the street, but being in it is like in another world, you can breath the fresh air and feel the golden sunlight shining through every single corner of your soul… How can you be depressed in such a scene? I came here everyday for my jog and I love it here because only being in this park, I can hear my heart calling for me, I can hear myself thinking out loud. Me and only me in this park…
… I will never be depressed anymore… I will try to be positive!
…I jog pass a crazy woman…
The woman is infamous in this area. She usually goes on the bus without paying fee for the trip and the driver knows she has mental problem so they let her go for free. Sometimes, in her maniac periods, she used to run on the pavement, then out into the street and spit into every single car that passes by. Normal people will just think she was a crazy woman. But has anyone every thought about WHY did she turns crazy in such a weird way? Maybe… maybe… she had a child and her child was lost in a car accident that then turns her maniac and that is the reason in her madness, she hates car so much…? Each individual, no matters how crazy they are, has their own story behind…
… I will never misjudge people anymore… I will try to talk less and listen more…
… I jog pass an elderly couple…
They are holding hands together and walking slowly on the pavement. The scene brought tears to my eyes… I thought of Love, just a simple word but how many people actually believe in it and how many people actually knows that they had had true Love? How many people, who claimed that they had been in Love, actually BEEN in Love? Seeing this couple, I thought to myself “This IS Love”! They can actually hold hands and feel happy with each other side by side until this age, this can’t be wrong! I remember again a line from a song “It is ok to be together until both of us becomes stars”. Never think about the end when you start a relationship! Never! Let it flow naturally. I feel sorry for people who have stopped believing in Love after a few failures in relationship. You will never find it if you don’t believe in it…
… I promise to myself, from this moment on, I will always believe in Love, no matter how much failure I will meet!
… I jog pass a couple walking their baby trolley…
I suddenly think about family. I want a family myself. I don’t know if that will happen or not. I want someone to walk with like that, until the end of the road. Will I find that someone? I don’t know. They say that Love will come when you don’t look for it. So don’t attempt. Just know you’re worth something in this Life and you deserve someone good.
… I will stop looking for Love and live happily until Life decides to give me it!
… I jog pass a street named “Hope”…
“Hope St” – says the name badge on the pole. I jog pass this street everyday, but I will jog down it one day and see how I feel. I like little amusing things in Life. I like to imagine this street is actually more special than the other streets and people living on this street are nicer, positive and polite. That’s all my imagination of course! When living, we always need Hope right? In everything we do, because Hope is what makes us keep trying without giving up. Hope is not easily to have, but once you grab a hold of it, you will be much stronger than you could imagine!
… I will always try to find Hope every time I fail, because I am NGUB!
… I jog pass a house full of sunflowers…
The sunflowers are all around the yard and they’re all tall and in full bloom. It is a nice small house pained pink and light green. Each flower is like little Sun rising up from the fence and I suddenly remember those houses in some children cartoon I saw when I was small. People in this house must be very happy I like to think, because they got so many Suns in their front yard. How could you be sad in such a scene? When you actually observe, you can see very small things in Life that make you smile and feel uplifting when you are down. That’s why I like my jog!
… I will always try to find the beauty in this Life and smile every day…
… I jog pass a homeless person on the street…
He was just sitting face down in the corner of a street when I jog pass him everyday. Sometimes I see him lying sleeping. I suddenly feel so much lucky with my Life. I might not have all the things I wish for, but at least I have all the basic things that hundreds of others wish for! I have a house to come back every day, I have a bed to sleep in with warm blanket, I have a family to support me and stand behind me, I have good friends who I can call almost anytime to rave on my depression… I have everything I need! That homeless person might just wish for a slice of bread right now! I’ve known friend who went to supermarket, straight to the “Reduce section” and buy cheap products that nearly expire just to save money. I’ve known people who rather walk a few more hundreds metres to save a single dollar. Life is hard! Don’t estimate it, you can have money and house one moment. The next minute you can lose everything, have to pay for rent, saving dollar by dollar to survive!
… I will start saving money and be absolutely happy with everything I have at this moment on!
… I jog pass a grass field…
I run faster… faster and faster…! I feel like I can become the wind and see the magnificent scene of waves of grass under the wind and sunlight. The Wind of Life is actually blowing towards me, rushing through my vessels. Mom and Dad have given me this perfect body, what I should do is treasure it, make it healthy and beautiful!
… I will keep my healthy habit of jogging as long as I could and treat my body with respect from now on!
…I keep on jogging… jogging…
… The sunlight still shining towards me…
There’s nothing to fear
There’s nothing to be sad about
… You know what is the most amazing fact about Life?
That is even when you lose something that you think it’s so important to you, at the end of the day, when you look back, it’s only the same with when you haven’t had it!
And Life never let you rest… no matter what you do or think… you’d better do your best and all you can do is try your best to help other people!
… Because…
…You’re still in this jog towards the future, my friend!
…BE STRONG!
(Completed at 9:50pm on Sunday 05/02/2012)
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